Welcome back to another Dear Dating Bitch advice column! If you’re new to the blog, Dear Dating Bitch where I answer dating and relationship questions agony aunt style.
If you’re in need of some advice, go ahead and submit your questions here. And don’t worry – it’s always anonymous.
Now then, let’s get today’s letters, shall we?
Dear Dating B: Relationship Advice
Q: I’m 21 and have never had a boyfriend, or even a first kiss. For a while, I didn’t worry about it because I figured good things come to those who wait.
But after turning 21, I realized how ashamed of this I actually am. None of my friends or siblings are single and I’m constantly reminded of how weird or strange my situation is. It’s very isolating. On top of that, I honestly don’t know how to meet people or act around men.
Never Been Kissed
Dear Never Been Kissed:
I read through your letter several times to try and find the best advice to give. One thing that remained unclear to me, though, is whether or not you actually want a relationship. You mention wanting to feel “normal” several times and say that you feel isolated because of your unique situation. But you never say whether or not you have a desire to be in a relationship for your own sake.
If you don’t, it could be that you’re asexual and there’s nothing wrong with that. You can find support groups for asexual persons or online communities to join if that is the case in order to feel less alone.
But, if you’re wanting a relationship, one thing to let go of is your fear of being judged. So much of your letter reflects your shame and insecurity which can be a turn-off for other people. Instead, try and remember all of the other things you have going for you. It sounds like you have a large group of friends and a close family. Those are wonderful things and should be celebrated!
As for meeting people, even if your friends and siblings aren’t single, it doesn’t mean they can’t help. They might be able to introduce you to single men that they know. Online dating is another good option. So many people use dating apps nowadays and it can help you learn how to talk to men without being as intimidated. Start there and see where it takes you.
I hope that helps!
Related Read: Dear Dating Bitch: Confidence is Key for This Single Lady
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Q: Why does my ex keep talking to me? He’s the one who chose to break up, but he’s still talking to me. Every day, too! He calls every morning and before he goes to sleep. Several times, he’s mentioned that we are “just friends” but I’m confused as to why he’s still talking to me like he did when we were dating.
Dumped But Still Desired
Dear Dumped But Still Desired:
Have you heard the saying that people are creatures of habit? I think that’s a good explanation for what’s happening here. Your ex might be keeping this routine of talking to you daily because that’s just what it is for him, a routine. So, it could be something he’s doing out of habit or for comfort, but it could also be that he wants to keep you “on the hook” in case he changes his mind.
Instead of wondering about his motives though, ask yourself, is this current set-up beneficial to you in any way? I’d be willing to bet that it’s not. It’s preventing you from fully healing and moving on. Plus, you’re spending time questioning his intentions rather than living your own life.
Going forward, stop taking his calls. You don’t need to tell him why or give any explanation. He broke up with you so ignoring him is to be expected and doesn’t require any extra thought or consideration on your part. Simply stop answering his calls.
If he continues reaching out or sends messages acting as if he is confused, I would just say, “Sorry I’m not able to talk right now.” No further explanation is necessary.
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Q: Is there a proper way to reach out to an ex after No-Contact if you’re the dumper? They’ve asked for space, and I don’t know if I should wait longer or if I should break no contact.
Dumpers Dilemma
Dear Dumper:
Why are you wanting to reach out to someone you’ve broken up with? You ended the relationship and this person did the mature thing by asking you for space. That’s a really difficult thing to do when someone dumps you!
So, unless you want to reconnect romantically, please respect their wishes and give them space. If (or when) they want to talk to you, they will.
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Conclusion
I typically try and lump similar questions together for my advice columns, but today’s were pretty widely varied. I hope that didn’t bother you too much!
What do you think of my advice this week? Let me know in the comments below!
As always, thanks for reading. If you’ve got questions of your own, make sure to send them to me here!
xx
Katie
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17 Comments
I was friends with someone- I thought- but he was in love with me. We had sex. I wasn’t into it as it turned out. He didn’t want to be friends without sex.
I wanted something that wasn’t possible. It’s hard to face reality sometimes! I’m 62 and still working on taking people for what they are….Love your column.
For some people, it can be really hard to stay friends with someone who you have strong feelings for, but it’s good that you decided what did and didn’t work for you.
Your advice is pretty spot-on. We definitely agree with you regarding the Dumped but Still Desire answer. More likely than not, the ex sees the person who asked the question as a spare tire. “You don’t always need, and even want, it, but it is there.” Sometimes, people view relationships from the context of ideas, never really recognizing what they truly want. Great post.
That’s a great analogy – the ex is treating the reader as a back up in case he changes his mind.
Thank you. We have definitely seen this with some people in our lives.
Your advice is really great; I was nodding away with it as I read it. I hope the people you featured here find their way through their dilemmas. Fab post!
I hope so too! The advice letter system is anonymous, so I always hope that those who submit are able to read the advice.
21 and single?! What a WONERFUL time to be single and free to do whatever you want. I wish I had spent more time single when I was younger.
That’s a great point!
Some very sage advice here. For Never Been Kissed to get clear over what they really want. And for Dumped but still Desired – “sorry I can’t talk right now” works for a multitude of situations 🙂
Yes, exactly. No explanation needed – just a clear-cut “Sorry, but no.”
I love reading your advice. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thanks for reading!
Love your advice this week! I was wondering if the ‘Never Been Kissed’ has ever had a crush. Having a crush is a good first step. Ahh, to be 21 again.
Crystal | http://www.amazingbaby.app
Yes that’s a good point! I couldn’t tell from the letter if she’s ever had that feeling or if she just thinks she should have.
This is really good advice, for a while after my first breakup I too felt abnormal, but I started not caring and just living my life.
I think everyone compares themselves to others at times and that can lead to a lot of shame.