Not Your Typical Christmas Poem: A Satirical Holiday Ode

An Absurdist Christmas Poem

Hello friends! Christmas is this weekend, are you as excited as I am? I hope so! For today’s post, I wanted to do something a bit different. So, instead of an article, I’m sharing a Christmas poem.

But, before we get into it, I’ve got a few minor disclaimers to make about it.

I wrote this poem years ago as a joke. It’s definitely not a typical holiday poem – some people might even find it rather distasteful or offensive. If that’s you, I do apologize. And my only real “excuse” is that I found it funny. 🤷‍♀️

In fact, I found it so funny that I decided to send it out to my friends and family with my holiday card that year! Not everyone on my Christmas card list, mind you. But, I sent it to a lot of my family members who all loved it. My dad especially – he even wanted me to try and get it published.

Now, I’ve got a bit of an odd family, so I knew they wouldn’t be offended by it. I also knew that they would understand the intention behind it (which, I’ll explain at the end.) And I’m really hoping that you all feel the same way.

So, without further ado, please enjoy my absurdist Christmas Poem.

And Now, The Dating B. Presents:

A Christmas Poem

Now here is a story about jolly old Saint Nick,
I met him last year, and he’s kind of a dick!
I went down to the mall and sat down on his lap,
He said, “Let me guess, you want a whole bunch of crap?”
Then with a smile, that was creepy and weird,
He asked if I wanted a ride on his beard,
And suggested I ask for a pair of “come-on-me tits”
“And maybe to match it, an ass-that-won’t quit.”
I sat there quite stunned; I didn’t know what to say,
Where was the Santa who was merry and gay?
Instead, this old bastard was crabby and crude,
And flabby and shabby and racist and lewd!
He was chewing tobacco and talked as he spit,
And he reeked of reindeer urine and shit.
As you can imagine, I left without pause
But that wasn’t the last I saw of old Mr. Claus.
Cause Christmas Eve was not far away,
And Santa was coming to my house in his sleigh.
He slid down the chimney shoot like a creep
And snuck into my bedroom while I lay asleep.
He came stumbling in smelling of smoke,
And when - with a great fright - I awoke,
He gave me a glass of warm herbal tea
But it tasted a little bit funny to me.
Then he ripped off his tear-away Santa suit,
He even had tear-away undies to boot!
He was trying to pull a Bill Cosby that night!
I was feeling afraid, until I saw in the light;
Then I started to laugh – I couldn’t help it at all,
Santa was hung like an Elf and had only one ball!
And hearing me chuckle made old Nick go red,
He pulled on his pants and leapt off the bed.
He ran from my house that night in a hurry, 
Then he hopped in his sleigh and rode away with a flurry.
And I’m telling you this, though I’ll sure hit a nerve – 
Keep your kids far from Santa – the old man’s a perv!

Absurdist Christmas Poem – The Intention Behind It

Now that you’ve read the poem, I’m SUPER curious to know what you thought of it. And, I’m even more curious to know what you think of my family. 🙈

I personally think they’re a ton of fun! And, even though I wrote it as a joke, I was actually pretty proud of this poem. I’ve always loved creative writing, but I don’t typically write traditional poetry (or poems that rhyme.)

But, I do understand that it might be off-putting for some people. For one thing, there’s the language. (Although, in my defense, my website is called the dating bitch, so I have to assume you’re not that put off by curse words.) And, secondly, there’s the subject matter.

Again, I wrote this years ago – it was right around the time when the Bill Cosby allegations were piling up. The #MeToo movement was gaining traction, and a lot of powerful men were finally being held accountable for their disgusting behavior.

Although the poem pokes fun at the idea of Santa, another powerful man, being a sexual predator, it’s certainly not meant to downplay the seriousness of these issues. Rather, the intention was one of empowerment. If we can laugh about the painful nature of ‘Me Too’ and ‘Cancel Culture,’ we can take some of the power back from the men who have abused it for so long.

What did you think of my absurdist Christmas poem? Did it offend you or do you agree with my intention? Let me know in the comments below!

I always want to know your honest opinions, so please share them!

xx Katie